Hello Campers!

Welcome to the Evergreen Dispatch! 🌲

Here at Evergreen National Park, our rangers—Harry (the overworked leader), Chuck (the “ideas guy”), and Deb (begrudgingly here for a paycheck)—are doing their best to keep things running… or at least prevent total disaster. Meanwhile, Ray Two Rivers offers wisdom no one listens to, and Frank the Camper has somehow survived years of bad decisions in the wilderness.

This newsletter will bring you park updates, breaking (and mostly avoidable) incidents, Ranger Logs, and blog teasers, plus Evergreen World news—including comedy skits, behind-the-scenes chaos, a “Ranger Radio” audio bite series, and our upcoming "Rangers of Evergreen" web series!

Strap on your hiking boots (or Crocs, we don’t judge) and let’s explore the wild, weird world of Evergreen! 🚀🌿

🏕️ Ranger Report: The Mystery in the Men’s Room

We regret to inform visitors that something is living in the men’s restroom near Trailhead 3. We’d love to tell you what it is, but no ranger has made it past the second stall before turning back. Here’s what we know so far:

• It growls when approached.

• It may have opposable thumbs (doors were locked from the inside).

• Our intern, Greg, is missing, and his last words were, “I got this.”

For now, we’re advising all visitors to hold it in or brave the Questionable Outhouse behind the ranger station. (We recommend the first option.)

📢 2. Missing Items Report

• 📌 One hiking boot (left foot only) near the lake. Looks like it was abandoned mid-sprint. No sign of the right boot or its former owner.

• A laminated step-by-step guide titled “How to Survive a Bear Attack.” Found inside a bear’s den. Hope they’re okay.

• 📞 A voicemail from 1997 found on a discarded answering machine in the woods. No idea how it got here. No one is calling it back.

🐻 3. Evergreen Ranger Survival Tips

• If a bear charges at you, stand your ground. If it keeps coming, compliment its fur and hope for the best.

• To start a fire in the wild, gather dry wood, some matches, and a strong belief in yourself. The belief won’t help, but at least you’ll die confident.

• Lost in the woods? Look for moss—it grows on trees. This will not help you at all, but it’s a fun fact to think about before you panic.

🦉 Ray’s Nature Wisdom – The Universe Speaks

“Like the wind, go with the flow… unless the flow leads to a cliff.”

Ray has spoken. Use this wisdom responsibly.

🌲 Upcoming Park News & Totally Official Announcements 🌲

Big things are happening at Evergreen (or at least, things are happening—we’ll let history decide if they were big). Here’s what’s on the horizon:

• 🚨 Ranger Radio Dropping Soon! Ever wondered what happens when rangers try to solve problems over a crackly walkie-talkie? Neither have we, but you’ll hear it anyway. Stay tuned!

• 🎭 New Comedy Skit Incoming! Some say laughter is the best medicine, but here at Evergreen, it’s just how we cope. A new skit featuring your favorite barely-qualified rangers is on the way!

• 🍂 Ranger Report! A blog of the day to day absurdities that our Rangers see. You think working in retail is bad? Try working with squirrels.

Stay alert, stay entertained, and as always—stay at least 50 feet from any wildlife (or Frank the Camper).

🌲 That’s it for this issue! If you enjoyed it, share it with a friend! If not, just forward it to your worst enemy and let them suffer through it.

Till next time,
🚀 Deb & the (somewhat) functional Evergreen team
(P.S. We’re still not checking that bathroom.)