Hello Campers!

Welcome back to the Evergreen National Park Newsletter! Another week, another batch of park shenanigans—because keeping this place running is about 20% nature appreciation and 80% figuring out why someone parked a canoe in a parking spot. Grab a coffee (or a questionable gas station drink) and let’s dive in!

🚗 Parking Lot Showdown – Who Parked Like a Tourist?

• Winner of “Worst Park Job” This Week: A man in a Ford F-250 who somehow took up four spaces while still managing to block the boat launch.

• Overnight Parking Mystery: Who keeps leaving their car here and disappearing into the woods? Should we be concerned?

• Pro-Tip: The signs that say “Not A Parking Spot” are not suggestions.

Park-to-Park Updates: Who’s Doing Better Than Us?

🌲 Yellowstone – Bison vs. Tourists: A visitor attempted to pet a bison for the perfect selfie. The bison declined the request—violently. Rangers say, "Please stop trying to pet things that could throw you like a frisbee."

🌳 Grand Canyon – Lost & Found Mystery: A single croc (the shoe, not the reptile) was found halfway down a canyon trail. Rangers assume the owner is either walking funny… or still down there.

🏔️ Great Smoky Mountains – Black Bear Crime Wave: A bear broke into a parked car, stole a sandwich, and took a nap in the backseat. Rangers remind visitors: lock your doors, unless you want a bear-shaped Uber passenger.

🏕️ Park Maintenance Update: The Trail Sign Bandit Strikes Again 🏕️

To whoever keeps stealing and/or rearranging our trail signs… why?

Currently, our most popular hiking route leads directly into the lake, and the shortcut to the scenic overlook now detours to the dumpsters.

We can’t prove it’s the squirrels, but we’re pretty sure it’s the squirrels.

Until this is resolved, if you get lost, please do what Ray Two Rivers always recommends:

• Follow the moss on trees.

• Listen for running water.

• Consider that maybe you weren’t lost—just on a journey of self-discovery.

📊 Fundraising Update: One Step Closer to… Being Slightly Less Broke?

Last week’s bake sale brought in a record-breaking $142! 🎉
Unfortunately, Chuck ate one of the brownies and is still seeing colors that don’t exist.

We’re currently $11,358 short of our next budget goal. If you’d like to support the survival of this barely functional park, stay tuned—we’re launching new fundraising efforts soon so please stay tuned.

🎣 Bait Shop Banter – Hot Topics from The Minnow Mania Bait Shop

🐟 The Great Muskie Hoax? – Local legend Todd Swenson claims he caught a record-breaking muskie last weekend, but conveniently, “his phone died” before he could snap a picture. Witnesses say it was closer to a largemouth bass. The bait shop owner - Gus “Minnow” Larson is now offering a free nightcrawler to anyone who provides evidence.

🦆 Aggressive Goose Update – The park’s meanest goose, nicknamed Honkers the Menace, has been relocated to the other side of the lake. For now.

🍺 Beer vs. Bait – The bait shop fridge is now 80% beer and 20% actual bait. This is a problem for some people, but Gus insists it's just “supply and demand.”

🔜 Coming Next Week!

Brace yourselves—next week, we finally meet The Duke, the head of the Parks Closure Division and the man who thinks trees should pay rent. If you’ve ever wondered what greed in a suit looks like, you’re about to find out.

Plus, we’re debuting the first Ranger Radio audio bites! Expect thrilling tales of park drama, questionable decision-making, and at least one argument about why a pool skimmer is a poor choice to catch a squirrel with. Stay tuned!

Till next time,
🚀 Deb & the (somewhat) functional Evergreen team
(P.S. Don’t park like tourist...)