🏛 Meet The Duke: The Man Who Made Parks a Subscription Service

For those of you just tuning in, let me catch you up on Duke "I Ruin Parks for a Living" Altworth. He’s the Head of Park Closures, and he’s found a way to turn nature into a pay-to-play service.

See, the government figured out they could make more money by splitting parks into rentable sections and making us, the rangers, cough up the monthly fees to stay open. Our funding? Gone. But our salaries? Shockingly untouched. But now we have to pay rent on the park we already work for.

Duke is basically our landlord, and he really emphasizes the “LORD” in landlord. With zero oversight, he can increase our payments whenever he wants, for whatever reason he comes up with.

• Maybe a "wildlife preservation fee" (that goes straight into his pocket).

• Maybe an "insurance premium" (for our safety, obviously).

• Maybe he just needs a new crown on his molar and decides Evergreen National Park is footing the bill.

So yeah, if you hear me muttering about “accidentally” leaving a bear trap near his car, just know that I am not joking.

📻 Ranger Radio: You Can’t Make This Up

(Because I’m legally required to let them use the walkie-talkies, I now present… Ranger Radio.)

📡 Chuck: "Hey, Deb, if you step in quicksand, do you fight it or go limp like an opossum?"
(Deb: "First of all, you’re in a parking lot. Second of all, that’s a puddle.")

📡 Chuck: "Deb, I found a wild animal in my cabin, and it’s growling. Should I challenge it for dominance or move out and let it keep the place?"
(Deb: "Chuck. What kind of animal?")
📡 Chuck: "… I haven’t looked yet, but it has big feet."

📡 Harry: "Deb, we got a situation. Someone dropped their AirPods in the lake. Am I authorized to drain the lake?"
(Deb: "Harry, we don’t even have the authority to drain the sink in the visitor center.")

🌱 Springtime Survival Tips: The Mud Awakens

• Congratulations! The ice is gone! Bad news: The entire park is now mud.

• Lost a boot? That boot is gone. It belongs to the Earth now.

• Want to hike? Consider investing in a kayak instead.

• Tired of slipping? Don’t worry, Chuck already made a “traction-enhancing” mix of gravel and super glue.(Deb’s Note: DO NOT USE THIS.)

🎣 Bait Shop Update: Jerry’s Back from Hibernation

• The bait shop is now OPEN, and Jerry is in rare form. (He told me his winter “hibernation” was actually a self-imposed ban from society to “preserve his sanity.”)

• New spring deals: “Buy 3 worms, get 1 deeply discounted because Jerry dropped it in the dirt but swears it’s fine.”

• New fishing restrictions: Jerry asked me to “remind everyone” that using a whole rotisserie chicken as bait is NOT ALLOWED. (I don’t know who did it, but I respect the effort.)

That’s it for this week! Try not to sink into the mud, avoid Chuck’s survival “hacks,” and if you see The Duke, just know that he’s probably thinking about how to charge us extra for breathing too much park air.

^{_{NEXT WEEK WE MEET HARRY, OUR MOST SEASONED PARK RANGER!!!}}

^{See you next time,}
📝 ^{Head Park Ranger Deb}